To influence people, make 1 key change in how you talk, says communication expert: It puts you ‘in a position of power’

 

Some people think asking questions — to friends, peers or bosses — can make you look weak or insecure.

But the simple act can actually help you garner influence and even get the people around to you change their minds, says communication expert Matt Abrahams — if you know the right questions to ask.

“Asking a question puts you in a position of power,” Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer, says. “I can actually raise my status and lower your status when I ask a challenging question.”

Asking good questions “demonstrates you care, it demonstrates empathy, it demonstrates you’re willing to learn and, in some cases, admit you don’t know everything,” he adds. “Those are all valuable tools and assets to have when you’re trying to grow your career or deepen relationships.”

Effective leaders often balance their credibility with humility, a willingness to learn and connect well with their colleagues, experts say. But not every question will help you get ahead. You need to know how, when and why you’re asking the question for it to help make you more influential, says Abrahams.

Here’s how to ask the right questions, at work, home and in your social life, to get ahead and strengthen relationships, he says.

The recipe for a good question

Good questions contain three elements, says Abrahams:

• They’re concise, so the listener doesn’t get distracted
• They build on what the other person has said — furthering the conversation, rather than paraphrasing or summarizing
• They revolve around a focused idea, or the conversation topic’s “bottom line”

“It can have multiple purposes,” but it should be quick, clear and focused enough so people understand the point of I’m trying to make,” Abrahams says.

You should consider your intention or goal before asking any question, he adds. Do you want show you’re listening and understanding, or that you’re very interested in the subject at hand? Maybe you want to subtly help the other person understand another perspective, or simply move the conversation along.

One of the worst intentions, Abrahams notes: trying to get participation points in workplace meetings. Your questions always need to be thoughtful, he says — if you aren’t helping clarify a point or furthering a conversation, your colleagues may just roll their eyes at you.

How to practice asking questions

Asking good questions, especially to persuade, influence or change someone’s mind, takes practice. Start small, and try approaching .. your casual interactions like interviews, where you’re trying to learn more about the other person or conversational subject, recommends Abrahams.

If your questions often ramble, and you want to become more concise, he suggests turning to artificial intelligence: Ask a chatbot like ChatGPT for shorter ways to phrase specific questions, then analyze the results. You can also ask real people for feedback — after a big meeting or serious work conversation, find a trusted colleague and ask them what they thought of the questions you posed.

Above all else, always listen to other people before asking them anything, Abrahams says.

“Anytime you are listening, you’re doing yourself a service. You are showing the other person you’re here,” Abrahams says. Then, your question is more likely to feel like you’re “inviting the other person to collaborate, and solving the problem [together] helps you foster that relationship in the long-term.”